While I was at Morty’s place, his lovely friend, Brynn, came by and asked us to take part in a project where we’d get our photos taken and answer a bunch of questions as single people to let other single people know that it’s completely ok to be single.
IT’S OK TO BE SINGLE! Did you know?
Morty and I totally did not make any jokes about us being unmarriageble and definitely not any about being forever alone. [yes we did.]
Anyhoo, I eventually found out the project was intended as content marketing for a clothing company that I couldn’t co-sign with but nonetheless, here are my answers.
Read on if you want to know what it might take to get me to co-sign to your
lifestyle brand life.
What are you looking for in a romantic partner?
David Letterman. A David Letterman that is also a massive fan of Drake.
How important is being in a relationship to you?
Out of 100, negative correlation to degrees fahrenheit.
What’s your favorite ice breaker (not pick-up line)?
Sliding into my DMs.
Have you ever had a “meet cute”?
Yes. Pretty much the same meet cute, which has happened twice.
What’s the best real-life “meet cute” you can recall?
I saw a hot guy during brunch a few tables away and thought nothing more of it. That night at a bar in the neighbourhood, I walked up to order drinks and he was the bartender. When he left at the end of his shift, he walked behind me and pulled on my hair – elementary school style – the rest is history.
Same thing happened more recently. Intimidatingly attractive guy spotted from afar at brunch. Saw him at a bar later that same day. I knew I just HAD to find an opportunity – and the balls – to talk to him. I’m so so so happy I did.
Tell me about your best/ideal date:
Waking up to a perfect, sunny Easter Sunday at Rick Rubin’s Malibu Ranch, eating Eggs Benny in the garden outside Bob Dylan’s old tour bus, then driving out to the beach listening to old Soul. Sprinkle in lots of booze, making out, and sex throughout the day. That’s a bit of name-dropping but I’d never been anywhere so tranquil, so imbued with history from musical legends that I adore with a man I loved even more.
Seeing a Drake concert where Louis CK is the special guest. With David Letterman. David Letterman holds my hand. Drake serenades me. Louis CK and I wander off into the dawn and discover eugenic methods whereby I can still have his ginger babies even though I’m Asian.
What do you most value in a friend?
The ability to tolerate me at my worst and never, ever, ever leaving our friendship despite me being the worst person ever. Thanks, friends!
What do you most value in a romantic partner?
Magic at kissing.
What is your idea of perfect happiness?
Smiling at puppies. Puppies smile back.
Which living person do you most admire?
My very own Tiger Mom.
What is the quality you like most in a man/woman?
Extraordinary talent in his chosen field of interest.
What is the quality you like least in a man/woman?
When and where were you happiest?
Giggling in bed with my best friend as we took selfles impersonating the dreadful faces that babies have in Renaissance paintings. see: http://www.buzzfeed.com/hannahjewell/renaissance-babies-who-cant-even
Photo credit: Brynn Campbell
I don’t want the small talk
I don’t want a fucking coffee
you should know by now that I don’t drink it anyway
You know me better than this
I don’t need you to fix
I want your bloody forsaken heart
I want your face between my legs
I want your tears before a closed door
and do it again.
I went home to Toronto for a few days and found myself making plans with too many people and then only following through with a few. Morty‘s one of ’em. I’ve known him for a decade. It’s always comforting to be around those who’ve been around before you’ve been around the block. Before the banal, before the baggage, before the blogs.
This vine on his ceiling has been growing for five years and we’ve only just met. Last time I saw anything dangling in his bedroom it was two ladies eclipsed by a closed door.
Now he uses his boyish good looks and Upper Canadian charm to coax salad from seeds. He fed me a kale leaf plucked from the ancient Chinese clay and tilapia rig he’s got because he’s the G.O.A.T.
Know what else is great?
The fact that he gives out free unadultered advice to weirdos.
And since I hear he’s single, maybe he just needs the right one to call.
I wanna be