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Will you still love me, tomorrow?

All I Wanna Say Is It’ll Be Alright


One Revolution Around The Sun from MTV c/o Richard Turley on Vimeo.

I started wearing my wedding band again. To remind myself that I’m stronger than I feel. I recently interviewed Amy Jo Martin, who wore red nail polish every day for 5 years as a confidence trigger whenever she felt unworthy.

This is my wedding band. It’s an ouroboros. Eternal chaos and renewal. My physician told me that my life has been series of crises, one after the other. He referred me to a crisis therapist, but I never called. Because I never feel stressed or sad unless it involves a broken heart.

Otherwise, I’m stronger than I feel.

In our time of shiny happy social media feeds, I figured I’d try to review my year in earnest and show you all of the darker periods and how it’s ok. How I’m doing ok and whatever shit you’re going through – that too shall pass.

Joey Ng Lower East Side New York 2015

THE CRISES

Divorce

This was the year that my divorce was final. And although I haven’t spoken to Chris since I filed a restraining order against him, it marked a real sense of closure. I don’t talk about this often, as it is a particularly painful story – but it is over. The important lessons are to always put your personal safety first and never let a broken person, break you.

This was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to overcome, which is why I’ve chosen the ring as my talisman for courage.

My boss, the CEO of American Apparel, Dov Charney gets booted from the company he founded

This has been covered extensively in the news. And while it may be fun schadenfreude fodder for those who have participated in the culture of American Apparel in some way for the past decade, this had very real and difficult ramifications in my life.

While I had been living out of a suitcase since 2009, I was accustomed to the organised chaos and rhythm in which we ran the company. I’d written about my thoughts on this here. There was an extremely high level of uncertainty and instability.

When you’ve dedicated most of the waking hours of your adult life to working there as I had, it often feels like your career is all you have. Some malevolent force was fucking with the one constant, my every day, my foundation, my family.

Joey Ng Brooklyn Bridge New York April 2015

I was fired

After 7 years of tenure, I was fired from both of my positions at American Apparel as Marketing Director and Retail Director of our Australian subsidiary. Under new management and within 2 weeks of a new supervisor – I encountered hostile bullying and discrimination, filed an HR complaint, 48 hours later I was out of a job, my US work visa, and $40,000 worth of unpaid bonuses.

This didn’t stop them from taking credit for positive work that myself and my colleagues were responsible for, after throwing us out the door.

American Apparel has filed for bankruptcy which make my shares worthless and legal claims effectively frozen. But bad situations give us the best ideas, my views changed in ways I never thought they would.

When cash is scarce, you figure out what your life essentials are. In things, in people, in beliefs. This means that I no longer put up with a lot of bullshit out of loyalty, obligation, or mercenary reasons.

albertlaptop960

My dog died

Miss you, Albert Einstein. You were a great physicist.

THE CURES

Now, remember how I said it’ll be alright? I had a destabilising year, but the pros always outweighed the cons and I thank Based God for the generosity of all the people in my life. Here’s what kept me afloat.

Great Sex

Incredible sex will change your life. Let’s not discredit how something so basic can alter your entire mood. I thought I was doing alright in this arena until I was dumbfounded by a specific experience. I asked my partner at the time how he became the best I’d ever had. For someone who never says much, his response was sweet and profound.

“It’s not me, it’s us. It’s about two people connecting, and we’re just very connected.”

Imagine going your entire life having never been vulnerable enough to share that kind of connection with someone.

Sometimes you have to love like you have nothing to lose.
And who knows? Your entire universe might expand in a moment of surrender.

kiaralenasusiemarieillythinatiffany

Female Friends

No relationship is stronger than that of a female bond. I wholeheartedly believe this. I just broke up with someone I really, really, really liked. For every time I’ve been in a tailspin, the unconditional support and humour from my friends and sisters have always brought me back to some semblance of sanity.

Women confide in each other and listen, really listen and care. It’s a type of intimacy that may never be achieved through romantic relationships. For romance to work, there has to be some suspension of belief and female friendships are as real as they get. Ugly cries, guilty admissions, secret slobby behaviours, and mental hospitalization levels of cray are all safe territory in the context of BFFs.

Love you, bitches.

DJ Slow Joey Ng Paris October 2015

Home

I’d never been to Europe before, and this year I made it a priority to get to Paris. It wasn’t all that.

My favourite moments were centered on one-on-one time spent in my air bnb with some very special dear-to-my-heart dudes.

Hot showers shared, home made breakfasts, listening to lesser-known Bieber tracks. It made me miss home.
Home being a person, and not a place.

Here’s to you, my people.

Happy New Year.
With love,

your girl.

This entry was written by Joey, posted on December 31, 2015 at 5:09 pm, filed under Friends, Joey Ng, Los Angeles, Love, New York, Sex, Writing and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Leave a comment or view the discussion at the permalink.