This is precisely how I feel about being in Los Angeles right now.
I’ve always felt like home was a person and not a place.
I feel so homesick. Homeless, rather, more than ever.
I want to say that I’m trapped, here, in my transience.
I want to say many more things, to explain. I don’t have the wherewithal.
Bianca wrote me this morning. The subject was simply “<3".
Another reminder that everyone who cares for me lives in New York, or Berlin, or Toronto.
They arrived precisely on a day when I had been crying steadily. I needed these glasses. Thank you.
She suggested that I elaborate on the motto inscribed in the case “ONE Today. ANOTHER Tomorrow.” I think I’m supposed to write about babes and adventures and how life goes on. How I could have one of each of the aforementioned today, and another tomorrow.
But I can’t. I haven’t decided what it is I could say that would make things better or whether they’d be worse.
I’m afraid that I may have already said enough of the wrong things, rendering irreparable.
I’ll let my new Sunset shades tell you how I feel –
black and blue.
For now, I just want to take each day as it comes. One today, another tomorrow.
This entry was written by Fashion, Friends, Joey Ng, Los Angeles, Love, Photos, Writing and tagged Bianca Caampued, DTLA, Los Angeles, Silverlake, Small Girls PR, Sunglasses, Sunset, Tortoise & Blonde. Leave a comment or view the discussion at the permalink., posted on May 25, 2012 at 1:19 pm, filed under
You can basically measure how much I love you by:
1) how tall above 6 feet you stand and
2) how many photos I take of you
Sam is/has plenty of both – through virtually no contribution of her own except being born’d this way – so I must really love her.
Here she is being forced to stand tall in front of things while I take photos of her.
Here she is being forced to stand tall in front of things with me while photos are taken of her.
I love you a lot, Spock.
This entry was written by Babes, Friends, Joey Ng, Los Angeles, Love, Photos and tagged Beverly Center, Hollywood, Intelligentsia, Kodak Theatre, Local, Mann's Chinese Theatre, Samantha Young, Silverlake, Sunset Junction, Wurstkuche. Leave a comment or view the discussion at the permalink., posted on May 18, 2012 at 2:21 pm, filed under
I’ve had this post in my drafts folder for about a month. I guess it’s never going to feel right, so I’ll post it now.
Let’s be honest here. And by ‘let’s', I can only mean me. I am sad. It comes and goes, and it comes less often than it did but when it does, it’s no less heartbreaking.
I want to talk about our last conversation.
I want to talk about every single memory.
But not quite, in it’s entirety. At least not yet.
I took a shower this morning, I cried in the shower. I started making a list of things I felt I had learned from feeling pretty fucked up in the past few weeks.
P.S. It’s for me, mostly.
1. Fall in love. A lot.
I don’t have a lot of time. With people. In one place.
It comes with the territory of not having had a home address in years. So people often wonder how much you can possibly love a person in mere months or weeks or days.
Have you ever had a moment?
When your world started to shift
revolve around a person.
I probably fell in love with Richard by the third night I had spent any time with him. We were on his red velvet couch. He lay a mass of ginger curls on my chest. Just for a second, maybe seventeen of them. And I knew I’d always have an immensely, intensely, emotional reaction to whatever it was that he
would ever do did. We didn’t have a lot of time. I couldn’t have loved him any later or less. I would not have forsaken it for anything.
So fall in love. Whole-heartedly and as often as you’d like. Even just for the 20 minutes it takes to lie on the driveway in front of a McDonald’s to make out with someone you’ve just met. I have. And it was great.
2. Write it down. Especially if it’s important, even when it’s difficult.
A few weeks before Richard died, I found out he had written me a letter. He said it was probably best that it was at the bottom of his car getting wetter by the day. I don’t have that letter. I wish I did, and if there is any way I could read what he had wanted to say to me regardless of its contents and sentiments, I would.
I read his journals when we last played house. I tell people this was an asshole thing I did but really it’s the kind of thing I would do unapologetically. If I can learn something -anything- more about a person I care about, I will.
Some of it was unsettling, but mostly amusing. It was all important. It was important for me to know his thoughts – whether mundane, dark, or genius alike. It’s important to me that I knew him.
I also wrote a lot about him. I adored him at times and hated him at others. The way we related, he called it ‘tumultuous’. And in these whiskey encouraged extremes, I wrote. I’ve read them over and over. To remember.
Write it all down – one day you may want to remember it, too.
3. Know what you want. Deliver others what they want.
In my last hour with Richard, I had ordered a cup of tomato soup, a side of potato salad, and a side of arugula salad with shaved parmesan. Then the server asked if I wanted to get a combo of 3 sides. The list of permitted options in his proposed combo contained none of the things I had originally ordered so I said “No, thank you” with a look. A look that said “No, thank you. You idiot.”
Dick laughed. “This guy obviously doesn’t know you. You of all people know exactly what you want.”
He was right. I’m not very compromising. I know what I want, and I fight to get it. Sometimes that didn’t help our cause, but it was what I wanted. Y’see Richard dumped me years ago because I had to travel with my job and he wanted a stable, local girlfriend. I’m very grateful and happy with where I am even if it meant letting go of potentially wonderful relationships because that’s what felt right at the time.
I love my job, the city, and the people I surround myself with. He fell in love the most beautiful girl he’d ever seen and they made art and love and a home while it lasted.
I think we both found what we needed, afterall.
4. Keep the ones you love in your life.
It was months before we spoke again. Richard had ended things with me over BBM and I had the drunkest night of my life. I deleted him out of my phone, and blocked him on facebook. Four months had passed. He called. Ever the sweetheart, of course he’d be the first to reach out.
We became friends again and infrequently lovers. We kept each other updated, but mostly each other in check. I was dismissive a lot of the time. I’m sorry, Richard. I hope you know I care.
I found out that he had died through a friend of a friend’s facebook status.
It sounds so fucking stupid but I hated myself for blocking him on facebook. Over the years, he thought it was funny and we made a pact not to pry in each other’s social media profiles. But it seemed so overwhelmingly important to be able to see photos of him. All the hilariously ridiculous updates that I had missed. Every heartfelt message left from our grieving friends.
But then I remembered that’s what he had wanted. For us to share what we had to share between us when we could – in person, by phone, or text. A personal connection. At least I had that. All of our memories. And I can’t imagine how much worse I would feel if he’d never been a part of my life again.
It may be hard at times, nor the best idea at others but eventually, reach out and keep the ones you love in your life. Don’t be cruel. You don’t want to regret losing someone for good.
Richard, you said you had a dream that I’d told you I wished I’d never have met you. That couldn’t be further from the truth. Every day I wish you were still here. At bus stops, in elevators, every street corner of downtown LA, I think of you. I miss you. You are loved so dearly.
This entry was written by Friends, Los Angeles, Love, Writing and tagged DTLA, Echo Park, La Cita, Millie's Cafe, Mustache Mondays, Richard Gimbel, Richard S. Gimbel, Richard Scott Gimbel, Silverlake. Leave a comment or view the discussion at the permalink., posted on March 4, 2012 at 9:26 pm, filed under
Every introduction back to the California Republic includes stopping at the Cha Cha lounge.
Extra special with Trudy Patootie in town.
Had a drink for Ms. Whitney Houston, her voice on every speaker in the city.
Straight up Los Angelena, Candy girl.
Good to be back with these bubbly young things from El-Ay, homes!
After brunch, Tony said “Wanna go to a meadow party?” and I was like “Yea!”
So we bought a bottle of $15 wine even though the liquor store clerk really wanted us to buy the $150 bottle.
Stopped to take a few snaps of my princess petticoat.
Life is just better when you try to dress like a toddlers and tiaras toddler.
First time at Silver Lake meadow. Plenty of pretty hipsters on their pinic blankets with their precious babies (OMG babies).
Always carry a wine opener – advice an alcoholic would give.
Thank you fancy lens for giving me legs.
Thank you Marc Jacobs for the extra few inches, too.
Finally got to meet Sophia. Her and her boyfriend are the cutest and they live so close why aren’t we all best friends yet hi call me I will be pestering you on facebook hey whatcha doing for dinner wanna eat how about a drink hi hello do you know any babes?
SPRINKLES ON TOAST. SPRINKLES on errthang it’s Summer who cares?
The group kept growing and growing which meant more treats and more good cheer. Why don’t we do this everyday?
Then Tony bought me a flower from a girl selling them from the middle of the road, she was doing it to stay with her man. Her man carrying a cardboard sign. Anything helps. So I helped by putting it in my hair and gave my last princess’ decree of the day which was get Chinese food at Sam Woo.
Chicken, roast pork, roast duck, and garlic sautéed snow pea leaves.
This entry was written by Food, Friends, Joey Ng, Los Angeles, Outfits, Photos and tagged American Apparel, Marc Jacobs, Medium Leather Carry-All Pouch, Multi-Layered Reversible Petticoat, Sam Woo, Silver Lake Meadow, Silverlake, Sophia Kercher, Tony Pierce, Too-Short Tube Dress. Leave a comment or view the discussion at the permalink., posted on August 31, 2011 at 9:00 am, filed under
If there’s one thing I believe in, it’s brunch.
Soft Shell Crab Benedict | Clinton St. Baking Company
June 7th, 2011 | Lower East Side | New York
Eggs Benedict with Smoked Salmon | Clinton St. Baking Company
July 1st, 2011 | Lower East Side | New York
California Omelette | Home
July 4th, 2011 | Silver Lake | Los Angeles
Devil’s Mess | Millie’s Cafe
July 9th, 2011 | Silver Lake | Los Angeles
Arlene’s Breakfast | The Park
July 17th, 2011 | Echo Park | Los Angeles
Smoked Salmon Benedict | House Cafe
August 10th, 2011 | Beverly Blvd | Los Angeles
This entry was written by Food, Los Angeles, New York and tagged Beverly Blvd, Breakfast, Brunch, Clinton St. Baking Company, Echo Park, Eggs Benedict, Home, House Cafe, Lower East Side, Millie's Cafe, Silverlake, The Park. Leave a comment or view the discussion at the permalink., posted on August 22, 2011 at 4:39 am, filed under
You are my world
Look so sweet
You’re a special treat
This entry was written by Friends, Los Angeles, Photos and tagged American Apparel, Brunch, Circle Scarf, Joey Ng, Lily Beck, Local, Los Angeles, Silverlake, Silversun Liquor, Unisex Denim Long Sleeve Button-Up Shirt, Zoe Split Lens Sunglasses. Leave a comment or view the discussion at the permalink., posted on December 29, 2010 at 1:30 am, filed under
I gave you my heart, Los Angeles, as the sun shone over Silverlake above Sunset.
Pretty girls in vintage frocks pitter-pattered until the dishes and pans were ready to disrobe their sheaths of foil.
Dreamy boys mashed the taters, poured the wine, and put on their best playlists for fairy-lit hem and hither.
Well, it’s been a year, and what a year it’s been. Now on the East coast, colder but closer to an understanding of home.
It’s the person on the other end of the line, earnestly wishing you the best, no matter the time of call. It’s about love.
Give it to someone special.